10 things

A listicle of insights and truths for my younger self.

As part of “The Substack Soiree” co-working/co-writing this week, we were set a challenge to come up with a listicle. I’m not a big fan of them, I feel like they infantilise us – it’s like we’re not able to take in information if it’s in a chunk of text (makes note to self about breaking text up and not writing too much, for a change). I’d gone along intending to work on a piece of my own, forgetting that they set these challenges, but I like challenges so, I thought I’d give it a shot. I suppose this speaks to where I am right now but it’s far more serious, and vulnerable, than I would have liked. Plus ca change.

So here we are, 10 things - a listicle of insights and truths for my younger self:

1. Spoiler

In order for me to be me, and for the avoidance of doubt being me is great, you maybe don’t want to read numbers two through ten. They talk to things that cause you pain, or bring you joy, they tell you what to do and how to think and you really need to figure that out for yourself. You will figure it all out in your own beautifully creative and messy way. I can tell you that much. I’m leaving a little gap to make it easier for you to walk away and make your own path that leads to me.

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2. Enough

You’re going to drive yourself mad trying to be enough – good enough, thin (that one is absolutely hilarious) enough, interesting, intelligent, funny enough, capable enough (actually, you won’t even be aiming as high as enough, just… an ounce of capable will do). Together enough, rich enough (again, actually… you won’t really worry about that which will result in you never having any money at all. But you will have a lot of fun). Instead of “Enough” you’ll have a hole you can’t fill, and you’ll keep on trying to fill it by spending money and eating and buying courses (see Dear Diary 2). So let me tell you this now, to save you a lot of heartache (and me a lot of money, I’m currently working through this with a therapist) and angst – you’re more than enough. You’re bloody incredible. You’re the bees’ knees now and you’ll continue to be(e) – mwah ha ha. You haven’t been told this, you don’t even really understand it as a concept, but you will, and when you do I want you to do it from a place of security and knowing that you got it going on. You really are enough. And… it’s an inside job anyway. If you think you’re enough, you will be. So let’s start as we mean to go on yes?

3. Women are hairy too

I don’t know the stats for this, I’m just winging it but, let’s say, more than 50% of women will get ‘excess’ hair on their face. So called because, well, the patriarchy* I suppose. It’s only excess because we’re conditioned to think that way. We’re not brought up to know, properly know, that women get chin hairs too, and moustaches  and while I’m at it, they burp and fart and get BO (but you’ll be ahead of the curve on understanding that – you’ll innately know that the idea that they don’t is absurd and, more than that, that it’s important to make sure other females know they can burp and fart too!). And while I’m on the subject of hair yeh, women can also go bald – it isn’t just men.

Photo by Billie on Unsplash

You’re, unfortunately, going to grow up into a society that places a huge amount of store in these (what I consider out-of-date) ways of thinking – that women are this and men are that. You need to understand this. And fundamentally understand that a woman with a hairy chin, for example, is no less worthy than a man with a hairy chin, than a man with boobs or a woman without – you get me?

See that one hair you just sprouted, you’re going to get ridiculed for it but know this, it’s totally normal. By the time you’re in your 50s there’ll be a lot more. Don’t sweat it. Don’t waste time questioning whether you’re really a man and there’s been some huge mistake. No, women are hairy too my love.

4. Sport

Even though you’re going to have to play with the lower school and you’re a cool sixth-former and all that… keep playing hockey. You’ll regret it if you don’t because you love it. I know it’s embarrassing, nobody else in the sixth form will be doing it (or maybe they will, maybe there’ll be others who secretly want to carry on playing sports and they just need that one person to inspire them – try it and see). If you stop now, you’ll never play again. And you’ll want to. You’ll want to take part in a team sport, something that bonds you with other women but all you’ll be offered is netball and you know how you feel about that!

5. Children Part 1

This will blow your mind… you ARE going to have some and, you’re going to be an incredible mother – definitely flawed, but that’s another truth (like women are hairy too), parents are far from perfect. But between you (their dad and you) you’re going to raise two genuinely beautiful people. You’ll sometimes wonder how in the hell you made them, how did you get it so right… I can’t tell you because my mind IS still blown but, I can tell you that you did. Depending on my mood, and what I’m trying to achieve, I’ll channel them, I’ll think to myself “What would Alex do?” or “Be more Horatio”**

6. Children Part 2

Being a parent is TOUGH. You’ll get your first grey hair when you’re 18 (which is how old you’ll be when you get pregnant with child number one!! Oops. Finding out about her, your pregnancy, and her birth will be stressful, and you’ll have sprouted a few more grey hairs by the time she arrives. She’s so worth it though. And anyway, grey hair suits you). Oh, your boobs will also grow ginormous, and they’ll never be small-ish again. You’ll be forced to stop disliking big boobs. Children will push you to your limits. You’ll feel some of your highest highs, and your lowest lows c/o those pesky little blighters. That’s why they’re so cute I guess. But as we’ve already established, for you and them at least, it’ll all be okay.

7. Dancing

Don’t take Caroline and Chris’ teasing to heart – they’ll tell you you can’t dance and that you’ve got NO rhythm, but they’re wrong. And also, they have NO idea that every time you dance in public from then on you’ll feel self-conscious and question whether your dancing is okay. I don’t think anybody realised what a sensitive little soul you were back then, well… spoiler alert, still are tbh.

You’ll look on in envy at the people who dance like nobody is watching because all you do is shuffle from side to side. But, in your kitchen you’ll be a Master of Dancing like no-one is watching. How much fun you could have, and what an amazing dancer you would be, if you just understood that that’s what siblings do, they rib each other… it’s fun! You’re okay kid. You can dance.

Yes Sir, I can Boogie.

I don’t mean this kind of dancing, this kind, I never was much good at. Bless me, I did try.

8. Feet

Look after them, don’t bother with heels – you know what, they don’t look sexy anyway (back to the patriarchy here), most people do this odd sort of walk when they’re in heels (okay, maybe not most and maybe depending on the heels) you’re not missing out. And your feet will thank you. And so will I.

9. The moon

When you learn about the solar system and stuff at school – take notice! Because if you don’t, there’ll come a day when you’re chatting with your son, and he’ll be incredulous with disbelief because you don’t know that you can see the moon during the day. And, that sometimes… it isn’t visible at night!! And not because it’s hiding behind a blanket of clouds. And while we’re on the subject, it’s made of earth, not cheese.

Photo by v2osk on Unsplash

10. Life

Although challenging, you will always find it amazing and magical. And that it is my lovely, that it is.

*I don’t think you’ll understand what this means, just know it’s generally accepted in 2023 (when I’m writing to you from) to be not great for women or, for any gender really, even men.

**I never think of him as Horatio but, I made a promise and I’m sticking to it.

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Do any of these resonate with you? Or do you disagree? I can imagine some women I know not loving the women farting bit!

What would you say to your younger self if you got the opportunity?

And please don’t tell me it’s only me (the moon thing)…