Dear Diary
Not gonna lie peeps…this is a long one, make yourself a cuppa, pour yourself a vino and pull up a pew.
Dearest gentle reader,
It has been far too long since you have heard from THIS author… (tell me you’ve just binge watched Bridgerton Season 3 without telling me you’ve just binge watched Bridgerton Season 3).
How it started
This piece started out, a few weeks ago now, rather differently…it started out like this:
“Dear Diary,
Wow. Well, well well. May has been good to me. I SAID I was on a mission to get the sparkle back and I’m certainly taking steps in the right direction. Which does make me wonder…why on earth is my back playing up so much? If you believe in the whole mind body connection, which I absolutely do, surely all this fun I’ve been having should be filtering down into my subconscious – I mean, I’m doing what my body wants me to, aren’t I!?”
How it’s going
Oh dear oh dear, boy oh boy was the body not happy. I have, for the past three weeks been unable to sit, unable to move from lying to sitting to standing, and vice versa and, basically, in an inordinate amount of pain. I’ve been to hospital twice, once in a very slow-moving ambulance (that was fantastic as they gave me all the gas and air my heart desired), I’ve been prodded “ouch!” and scanned and drugged up to the eyeballs. I’ve been unable to go to work, to lie on a sofa with my laptop, even to focus on reading a book. If I’ve not been in pain, I’ve been asleep, ergo if I’ve not been asleep, I’ve been in pain. I’ve certainly not been able to go out and have fun so, please excuse me while I continue where I left off before this all went badly wrong, which is…when I was having a ball and merrily ignoring all warning signs.
Thursday 16th May
Balderdash! I Was meant to be going to a London VA networking event but, it’s inspection week next week at work and everyone is pulling extra time to make sure we’re all ship shape. I know I’m only a temp and I AM meant to be leaving and it HAS been a bit of a goat fuck (no idea what that means but an ex boss – music industry – used to say it all the time and somehow it’s stuck) for me there recently but, I stayed late to finish something off and missed the networking. It does make me wonder if I’m serious about building something for myself though, an escape route from the ‘career’ I’ve landed myself in, or it’s just a load of hot air. Ahem. I was glad Horatio was out though so I could gloss over having missed the networking in favour of working late. He’s not a fan of where I am at the moment, and it just felt easier not to feel the need to explain. Not when I’d got in feeling pissed off with myself as it was and, rather knackered.
I’m not proud to say, I ate half a pack of Ritz crackers for my supper (not exactly a nutritionally dense meal) whilst watching my newest obsession – “The Durrells”. I also had a taste of every element of Horatio’s leftover Indian takeaway – such bad behaviour that I almost immediately regretted as my mouth started to fizz. I just…needed some damn flavour after all those crackers!
Friday 17th May
Today was the last day for me to get my inspection stuff wrapped up at work and as I was meeting the ex and the children for supper at The Tufnell Park Tavern at 6.30pm I had a hard finish of 6pm which I KNEW I’d stick to.
By 5.45pm I still had about four hours’ worth of work still to do. WTF. WHY!!!??!! Sigh.
Still, I managed to get out at 6.30pm so it wasn’t too too terrible. But I really do have to work on this, I mean, we all do. I’m a bit sick of the idea that if you work your hours, and no more, you’re a slacker. When did we do this to ourselves? When did our time become so…unimportant?
I’m the last one to arrive - even the ex, who got the meet time wrong, is there before me. Dammit. Anyway, it’s all good, they’re busily chatting away and perusing the menu, drinks already in hand. We didn’t realise it when we booked, but we’re celebrating. Horatio has got a job!! Woop woop. Brilliant and bittersweet – it means that he will be moving out sooner rather than later. It’s a good thing, I’ve really not been well of late, and he has been carrying me somewhat. And whilst I obviously want my children to be thoughtful, and caring, I don’t want them to feel responsible for me, for my happiness – I don’t want them to be prioritising staying in with me over going out with their friends. I mean… I DO…but I shouldn’t. Eh ehrm.
We had a beautiful evening, we are so lucky that, post separation and now divorce, and with properly grown-up children (sounds wrong) we are still a well-functioning family that wants to spend time together. That is NOT something I take for granted, believe me. The food was great, my dish of fish was delish! If you happen to be in the area this is a great spot to meet with a variety of spaces, each with a slightly different feel; a dining room, the more pub-y bit, an outside terrace AND a garden! It’s a BIG pub but, you can still somehow feel as though you’re having a cosy and intimate time.
Saturday 18th May
A quietish day as I’m out at a gig tonight!!! Woo hoo. I snapped up a ticket to see Isaac Delusion at Lafayette at the last minute and I couldn’t be happier. Spotify points out, at the end of every year, that Isaac Delusion is pretty much all I listen to! I once listened to my favourite of their songs on repeat on an hour-long bus journey…and back!? Horatio said that that was the action of a psychopath. Pah ha. It’s just a really really good song, honest Guv’nor. But it’s also, probs, that undiagnosed ADHD of mine.
I felt off all day though and when it came to it, I really wasn’t in the mood to go. But I made myself put on some makeup and threw on a vintage Biba feather collar I’d got whilst vintage wedding dress shopping with my daughter in the Cotswolds at My Stylish Friend/Studio 24. I had a feeling I would be over-dressed and I wasn’t wrong! I didn’t care as I’m trying to incorporate more fun into my wardrobe and that means wearing things that just tickle my fancy, whether they be ‘appropriate’ or not.
Lafayette is at Coal Drops Yard/Kings Cross and I’m never going to another venue again because A) the sound is actually really good and B) Oh my days it’s a treat to be able to jump on a bus right by the venue which stops at the end of my road! I’m forever ruined for all other venues.
Isaac Delusion didn’t disappoint. Loïc Fleury’s voice is fantastic, I could listen to it non-stop (oops, I already do). And, I’m never going to not love hearing French being sung and spoken and, English in a French accent. Beaudiful. About half-way through I started to think I might have to leave because my back had had enough and wouldn’t let me do a minute more dancing. But, I couldn’t not dance – I honestly thought I’d find it impossible! I propped myself up against a wall and looked on enviously as a young person (urgh) jumped around and moved with such freedom right in front of me. I dared her (in my head) to bump into me and then noted that it might be time to pick up my gratitude practice again! *
Sunday 19th May
A busy day and I’m realising that I need to tap into my pacing myself muscle because…well, because I’m not doing it. I don’t want to. But, of the many many things I’ve tried to allow me to live a more normal and full life, pacing myself has been a revelation. It’s really hard to do though, when you’ve had a period of not feeling good and now you are, to not go all guns at enjoyment. Well, I find it hard. Do any of you relate?
I’m off to Sifali to make face oil and learn a bit about facial massage. I’m really looking forward to this because I absolutely adore Jaya, whose company Sifali is, and I love their products. I feel really really fortunate to be around at this pivotal time for this brand and to get to see it grow and develop. It’s exciting. And Jaya, who I find so gracious and inspiring, has created such a calm and nurturing space.
I get there, and, as expected, I’m about 25 years older than everyone else but, it really doesn’t bother me, actually, I love it. I find I learn so much from younger generations, they challenge my beliefs, and they inspire me. And they, these ones anyway, have really long nails and gems stuck to their phones and, perfect skin and, they wear clothes that weren’t made for shrinking violets and they’re just, SO different to how I was at their age.
Anyway, when Jaya asked us to say what issue we had with our skin, what problem we were hoping to solve, I was pleased to be able to say, “I LOVE my skin” “I just came along for the craic!”. Having good healthy-looking skin has been about the only beauty thing I’ve ever taken a consistent interest in and action on, and that only started relatively recently. Nevertheless, Jaya prescribed a soothing and brightening blend of rose and cucumber oils which I mixed together ready for my lesson.
I was sitting across from an absolutely stunning person with perfect skin who had two phones and, the way they were positioning everything led me to think they must know what they’re doing when it comes to “getting that shot”.
“Are you an influencer?” says I?
“Yes” they murmur beautifically…arranging and rearranging a jewel encrusted phone against a glass of cucumber water.
“Excellent. So am I. It’s just, nobody knows, probs coz I’m crap at all this!”
They were sweet, indulging my questions about angles and editing. I tried to copy what they were doing but, alas…I just, well, I’m just not very good at it. I noticed, at one point, as they videoed themself giving their cheek a massage how they’d tipped their chin just so, and rested it on the fingers of their other hand so they looked like a beauty from a Botticelli where I just looked like the Michelin Man in a fat suit, a very blissed out one though, I might add. Made me chuckle.
We left Sifali with glowing faces and little bottles of our very own oil creations to use later. I have been enjoying mine immensely, but I’ve almost run out. I’m eeking out the last drops by mixing it with Sifali’s Solar Oil. I’ve been doing a short face massage before bed this week and I think it’s helped to calm my nervous system and therefore, my muscles. Yay. I’ll have to beg Jaya for more oil to make another.
It’s Photo London time of year and I’ve got VIP tickets which I’ve not made use of at all. I’m annoyed with myself because there have been some pretty interesting events and some, I’d just have liked to have gone to because I’m nosey AF, like taking a peek at the studio of Nick Knight. Anyway, it finishes today so I’m determined to get there even if only for a couple of hours (which, if you ever go, is NOT long enough – you need to leave at least half a day to see all the amazing photos on display from galleries around the world, and to have a sit down and rest because honestly, it IS quite overwhelming). I want to say that I raced across town to make it, so I sound dynamic and vibrant and busy and important…but actually, I went home first, in a casual sort of manner, to see if my errant son wanted to come with me, or not. I got my answer without even asking, finding him, as I did, spread-eagled on the sofa nursing the not insubstantial aftereffects of the night before. I wondered if I could be arsed but last time I went I absolutely loved it and felt energised by all that creativity, so I made myself head out the door again. I’d seen on Instagram that a photographer, Ari Magg, who does the Manger photography workshops with Oddur Thorisson was going to be there, so I made sure to stop by his stand and say hello. I mean, I’ve never met the guy but…I’ve wanted to! I did the first photography workshop Oddur ran and at that time Ari didn’t do them, I’ve always felt a little jealous of the workshop attendees after me who got the benefit of two world class photographers (as if one isn’t enough, tut). We had a good little chat, he only had one piece there but it was bloody stunning! He told me how he’d shot it, and we talked photography and creativity a bit until I felt compelled to admit that I’m a crap photographer, and that ultimately, I just can’t make myself put the effort into it that you need to. But, coming away from him, I felt inspired to pick up my camera again (or my phone at least) and give this photography lark another shot.
I made my way to Gina Cross’ stand to say thank you for the VIP tickets and fell in love with some of their pieces so much so that I almost bought one, or maybe two…there and then. But, I need a new bed and, at the moment at least, I appear to be someone who has to choose between function and beauty (that’s not to say that my bed won’t be beautiful, of course, and the photos have a function – lighting me up and bringing me joy, but still, for once in my life I didn’t just act on impulse – all this therapy must be paying off). Apparently though, there’s some sort of fund where if you’re spending £1,000 or more on art, they pay the artist in full and you then pay the fund back in instalments (interest free over ten months, if I remember correctly). Worth knowing about if you’re good with debt.
I looked around a bit but, to be honest I mostly skimmed over things – looking closely at only the pieces that most jumped out at me. My back was hurting, I was walking with my stick, and I’d not left myself enough time – I shall do better next time.
I wonder, Dearest gentle reader, have any of you been to Photo London? Are any of you photographers? Any of you just starting your art collection journey (and by that, I don’t necessarily mean big expensive pieces just, a considered collection of pieces chosen by you)? Where do you go to buy art? Would you buy a photo of a person (you didn’t know) to put up in your home?
*Whenever I notice myself thinking badly about people or ugly/unkind/stupid thoughts about people, that’s a sign to me that I need to really focus on gratitude. I think it’s perfectly human to have unkind thoughts but for me personally, I find it serves me better to not sit in that headspace – I feel happier when I focus on what is good and beautiful.
Music to listen to
Isaac Delusion – “Lost and found”, my new favourite usurping “Fancy” from the top spot.
Anohni – Horatio was listening to her album yesterday morning and as “Fistful of Love” came on I said “ahhh, yes…this is such a beautiful song” and then, as I listened to the lyrics again I realised (remembered) It’s awful, heartbreaking – still beautiful though. The two can definitely co-exist.
Nouvelle Vague – “Making Plans for Nigel” – unusually, as I’m not really a covers fan, I really like this.
I was listening to a podcast recently - I can't remember which one - and it said that truly looking after yourself, truly getting what you want from life, isn't about learning to say no to what you don't want to do (that's the easy bit), it's learning to say no to the things you do want to do. I think there's a lot of wisdom in that.
Thank you for the sweet tour of your May. I must listen to Isaac delusion xxx