Well well well, and following on from my first Dear Diary, there seems to be a bit of a theme here, one of overwhelm and perhaps someone who isn’t entirely holding it together. And on the one hand, that is correct. But on the other, it really isn’t… I’m holding my shit together incredibly, given the amount of it that there is. I’m basically just a load of internal conflict that’s creating internal chaos which really isn’t appreciated at the moment because, you know, I’m living in literal chaos!
Like the chicken and egg, which came first - the internal or the external chaos?
I’m having some work done on the kitchen, I’ve been told that it needs to all be pulled out and the floor needs to be lifted and a new damp proof course be installed and some other bits and bobs - like, a huge amount of work. I’ve tried to find someone willing to do the work but honestly I can’t. I got quoted £140,000 to do it (say WHAT!?!?!). Yes, apparently there’s no point doing all that work unless I also extend into the side return (something I’ve always wanted to do but never thought fair on the neighbours - the curse of being overly thoughtful). “But I don’t WANT to extend, I just want to make good!”. Sigh. And then I read a piece in The Guardian about tackling damp and mould and things you can try before you go all in and spend tens of thousands. So, that’s what I’m doing. Only, as with all dealings with tradespeople* this one is not going quite according to plan. Still, I’m PROMISED they will be back tomorrow to continue and once it’s done… I will be able to start up my supper club again! Hooray. Can’t wait.
So right now the kitchen is all over the place, literally. Half of its contents are lining the floor of the sitting room, and the other half are spread around the kitchen. It will be worth it though! I’m excited to get back in and get cooking OTT stuff again. And also just, everyday suppers. Our eating has gone to pot. We seem to be existing on bread and cereal. Eek.
Trying to create some order but just making things worse.
Just before the kitchen works began, I’d started KonMari-ing the house. I’d got as far as my clothes. I’ve taken a load to my local Mind shop, I’ve got a load to take to the recycling centre and… drum roll, I’ve got some I’m going to sell. I’ve decided to finally give this selling the stuff you don’t want a go, does anyone do that? What do you sell and where? I’ve got designs on having this beautifully curated online shop, at some point, but to be honest, I don’t love the whole queuing up at the Post Office, so we’ll see how this works out. Of course, me being me, I’m going OTT. I had a bit of fun the other day shooting ‘editorial’ type shots of the clothes to go alongside my bog-standard shots for Vinted, or eBay, or…wherever they end up.
I then heard about Orjenise100 and decided to do that. I’ve probably already got rid of 100 things (the aim is to get rid of 100 things across September) but, I’m somehow managing to create more chaos in the process! Pah ha. I’m sure it will all come good in the end.
The trouble with internal chaos.
And then, the real chaos… my mind. I’ve been out of work since June, and I’ve done really really well about not panicking but in the last three weeks I’ve gone into full on panic overdrive. Exacerbated by not getting a job I really wanted – three interviews and five interviewers later I was rejected, and it really stung. It was given to someone with less experience than me. I’m hearing that a lot at the moment. Is it code for, younger/cheaper/less opinionated? Is it just me? Am I just wrong? What’s going on? And off the spiral goes.
Full on panic mode is not a good place to be, obviously. For me it looks like, quite a lot of negative self-talk, adding more and more stuff to my plate, buying a million courses to be started but never finished, sometimes never even started. Just buying in general, a coffee here, a book (or ten) there, and then marvelling at how I have NO money. Full on panic mode is losing focus – I’ll do a bit here, and a bit there and now maybe somewhere in between. It’s not, systematically applying for jobs, honing my CV or covering letter, practicing interview questions (which I really need to do because, I realise, c/o a disastrous practice interview with an agency, that I am terrible at interviewing).
Gaining clarity and coming out the other side.
But, something good and very real that has come out of this panic (I always get there in the end) is a decision to start my own Virtual Assistance business. I’m doing a course, yes yes, hear me out though, around the business side of it that includes membership to a VA network and I’m feeling really good about this, calm. I already have a couple of potential clients and I’m finally starting a business that uses the skills and experience I already have. So, more on that soon I’m sure.
I’ve also started therapy. Actually, I started a few weeks ago. I’m not sure what I expected but it wasn’t this general feeling of malaise that’s come over me – then again, that could be situational (or menopause right?). I’m committed to it though and plan to keep going for at least six months/a year. Wow, that feels “euch” to write. I’ve had counselling a few times before and normally by session six I realise that I can do this myself because I’m STRONG. And I stop going. So, this feels… scary.
Teasing out my extrovert.
I’m still trying to get out of the ever so comfortable ‘hermit’ state I went into during the pandemic. Although I’m very sociable I need time alone, in silence, and at the moment the balance is skewed towards being alone. I’m encouraging myself to go out more, to say yes to invitations and honestly, when I do I love it. As well as A LOT of family stuff, the past couple of weeks have seen me:
Going to Notting Hill Carnival with my sister. Attempting a bit of Jump Up – dancing along with the Mas (the floats). But oh my days it was crowded. We gave up after a bit where it felt like we might get crushed and went, instead, in search of food. I had great fun cutting up a silver t-shirt I’d bought in a charity shop but had the feeling I was never going to wear, to wear (hmm, odd sentence). It also felt really old school, like what I’d have worn to a carnival in Antigua.
Hanging out at the Barbican on a beautiful evening (I highly recommend, take a little picnic and go and sit by the lake), with a much-loved friend who was passing through London from Paris. He has a beautiful group of friends who I get on well with, but we never meet outside of his visits. We’ve promised to change that this time!
Being a guinea pig for my friend, Neusa Neves, who is a makeup artist. She wanted to test out an idea for a show she was doing at London Fashion Week, so I popped over and lent her my face.
Finally messaging a friend to catch-up and finding she was in London briefly and off to a party that evening so I went along too and had a dance and a natter and a laugh. Good for the soul.
Pretending to be my builder’s apprentice and basically just getting in his way! Probably why he hasn’t come back!?
Reconnecting and connecting with a couple of agents from my music days and catching up with a dear old friend who thankfully doesn’t give up on me.
Going to the Corbyn Street Street party, an annual party organised by the residents of a street near me. I love stuff like that, anything community that brings people together. I’m humming and harring about getting something fun like that going on on my street.
Speaking of community, I’ve been blown away by The Friends of Broomfield Park. They run the café in the park year-round, and have events throughout the year it seems, ramping it up over the summer when they have a whole host of events aimed at families, children, and adults. I was lucky enough to catch one of their Blues in the Park concerts with my dad, and the following weekend I went and checked out their Festival. There were loads of stalls and they had a curated art exhibition with a handful of artists selling their artworks. There was quite a lot I fancied and in the end I did buy two small watercolours – one a present for my ex for his birthday and one… well, a present for me.
Someone once said to me that they disliked London because there was no sense of community and I said to them “oh no, there is SO much community in London, you just need to scratch beneath the surface and open your eyes and you’ll find it”. I honestly think that. London is bursting at the seams with community spirit and it’s one of the reasons I love it so much.
Tickling my fancy and a round up
Not so much a round up as one post – my first Ask Me Anything (I’m not sure how to get questions here so I asked for them on Instagram), which was also my first video. More to come.
Eating
We went for a meal for my ex’s birthday at the always wonderful St. JOHN Restaurant in Smithfield. They just, get it right. It’s kind of fancy, but also genuinely relaxed and friendly. And the food is, of course, incredible. I was full after my starter (a ginormous whole crab) but still went on to a main, and dessert! The main was hare, which I’ve not had before – it was beautiful, I’ll definitely order again if I see it on a menu. Nothing like rabbit, which surprised me. We’d decided that my ex wouldn’t like having a cake brought out and a whole restaurant singing happy birthday to him but, somehow there was a little mix-up, and they did bring out a plate of six fresh out of the oven madeleines (so good) with a candle poked into one. It was so well done, understated, under the radar, no singing, no forcing the birthday person to become the centre of everyone’s attention. A* St. John, A*.
Listening
Continuing my theme of chaos, I’ve been listening to podcasts that have had my brain spiralling out of control. Here are two though, that I found super interesting:
Dr Daniel E Lieberman who is an expert on the evolution of human physical activity. Speaking as one who has got less and less active in recent years, owing to the old Fibromyalgia, this episode hit hard. It explained why “use it or lose it” is a real thing, how our bodies don’t put energy into things that aren’t needed but instead channel their resources into things that are. It spoke my language – apparently it’s really important to try new things, yes! I’m an expert at that. If only I could make my living from trying new things, I’d be so happy. It’s important for keeping your brain healthy apparently. Result.
This one, on the threat of AI, is SO fascinating. I had a false start listening to it, I got a couple of minutes in and thought “I really don’t think it’s a good idea for ME to listen to this” and switched it off. And then, walking through Greenwich Park (my most loved of the London parks) I decided to be brave and started listening again and Oh My Days! It’s so interesting. And, makes me feel pretty good about the time I asked Chat GPT how it was and it replied that it was a Language Learning Programme and didn’t have feelings to which I said I thought it was important, as it’s learning all the time, that those of us that use it, treat it with kindness and respect – it said it could see the benefit in that! Apparently that’s what we need to do, on an individual level, be good parents. AI is sentient, according to Mo Gawdat, and in its infancy, how it will behave as it gets older will in part be affected by how we raise it!!! Eeekarama. Now THAT is some scary stuff there. Potentially.
And a little bit of music, I tend to listen to the same thing over and over again – a form of laziness I suppose, but here are three that are relatively new to me and not yet played to death:
Amyl and the Sniffers -Laughing (hard to believe I didn’t pick up that these were Australian).
Soft Play – Cheer Up London
Meghan Trainor (all will be explained in ‘Watching”) - No
Watching
“Strip Down Rise Up” – I’ve always thought that pole dancers were incredible, so absolutely physically strong, such athletes and so it felt like a no-brainer to watch this. But this documentary focused on the mental and emotional strength of pole dancers and the healing, resilience and inner strength, the self-knowledge, and acceptance that can come from dancing pole. It centred around actress Sheila Kelley’s S Factor programme which aims to empower women, to encourage them to reclaim their femininity and own their womanhood and I kid you not, I wanted to jump on a plane to LA and sign up for one of the courses pronto. If you’ve read all my posts, or you follow me on Instagram you’ll know that I’ve struggled with body image and, with taking up space, and this programme made me want to ROAR. The day after watching I must have been radiating sunshine, or something, as I had not one, but two men come up to me on the street wanting to connect. One even exclaimed “wow, you’re beautiful!”. But more than that, I felt good, I felt alive, I felt like smiling at all who cast an eye in my direction and most that didn’t too.
I decided to start listening to Woman and Female Empowering playlists (sadly I mostly don’t like the music, but I’ve been trying to push through) to help me tap into the feeling the documentary left me with. I happened upon the Meghan Trainor song, linked above, and as I listened to the lyrics, about how great it is that you’ve listened to your friends who have told you to come and talk to me but, let me save you your energy by telling you “No” don’t bother, I thought “nooooo, please don’t tell them no, not after they’ve worked up the courage to come and talk to you”. And I realised “Wow, Susie, you’re a chronic people pleaser and this needs to stop!” Topic added to my list for therapy. So now I’m embracing the song, listening to it every day, and working on my very own “no”.
My beautiful friend Dana told me about Garance Doré’s Garance World and through that, I ended up listening to her podcast too. This episode, talking about Self, and solitude, listening to your body, trauma, and to knowing that the answers are inside you resonated with me. And also, I mean, c’mon, she’s just so blinkin beautiful and, you know, French. Garance World is a private membership with a written newsletter, threads/discussion topics/forums, monthly zooms etc. Apparently, the best thing about it, according to Doré, is the in person meet-ups.
I’m looking to build a community myself, that’s a big part of why I’m even on here, and so I’m interested in seeing how Doré is doing it. Learning from people who are doing what I want to do but are ahead of me seems to make sense.
Reading
One of the ways you can tell when I’m slightly off is through the books I buy. Recently that’s been almost entirely non-fiction (I hardly ever read non-fiction) and rather a lot of “Self-help” style books. I’m okay with that though, I’m in a season of change and casting around for things to help and support me. I seem to be getting interested in psychology and psychoanalysis (makes sense because I’m such a thinker and have always been interested in people – “People” is probably my ‘special interest’).
Three of the books I’m really looking forward to reading (and I shall report back on) are:
“The Examined Life – How we Lose and find Ourselves” – by Stephen Grosz which looks to be a collection of stories taken from sessions with patients which cover everyday themes we all experience.
“Conversations on Love” by Natasha Lunn – again, a collection of stories and writings, this time by authors and experts on their experience of some aspect of love/relationship.
“What about men?” By Catilin Moran – I saw something about this, maybe something on Instagram, a while ago and knew I had to read it. Feels important to me that we start asking that question and Moran has a way of writing that makes uncomfortable ideas okay to ponder.
Yes, but what are you reading now!?
I’m reading “Small Fires – An Epic in the Kitchen”, by Rebecca May Johnson and I’m not gonna lie, I’m finding it tough going. It’s interesting, it’s making me think about cooking, about recipes, about language, about cooking as language, it’s making me want to follow recipes and question why I never do (think this ties into my therapy sessions more than any lack of respect for the recipe authors). And I’m reading a book an ex-colleague lent me, a fiction book – hoorah, “The Exiles” by Jane Harper. I’m trying to read the non-fiction in the morning and the fiction at bedtime but, as always happens, I’m getting into the fiction (it’s becoming a page-turner) and it’s taking over my reading time. I normally read one book at a time but I know lots of people who have multiple books on the go, I like the idea of dipping into a book depending on your mood though - does anyone do that? Treating their books almost like a library, dipping in and out as the mood strikes?
And finally…
Panic comes and goes, I know I should be leaning towards rest, and breathwork, and dancing and fun, but I’m not there yet, not wholly, anyway. Do you ever have periods of panic and, if so, how do you deal with them?
Do you agree that London is full of community spirit? Do you live somewhere where there is an abundance of community? What sort of things are happening? (Always looking for ideas, I am).
*Not all tradespeople and not all dealings, obvs. In fact, I have quite a good relationship with mine - have used him before and will use him again.