From shoemaking to shoegazing.
A joyful year in review.
The end of another year and a time, for me at least, to reflect on the past twelve months. This year, I’m putting a gratitude spin on it. By that, I just mean that I’m looking to find the joy and beauty in my year.
Rocked by my dream job not working out and feeling like a bit of a failure and as though there was something fundamentally wrong with me AND that I’m failing in all aspects of my life (sounds a bit OTT now I see it written down but it’s how I’ve been feeling), I’m looking for evidence to take me into the new year feeling positive and hopeful, and happy.
I’ve spent the afternoon with my dad and sister and I’m meant to be having a date with myself now – cooking something delicious and lighting ALL the candles (not really, I’ve got enough candles to set up shop) and pouring myself a glass of Middle Lane Market’s Kosmic Kefir in one of my favourite crystal coupes. But I’m running late, plus ca change, and the date will have to wait!
All of this looking back feels like the perfect opportunity to catch up on the various things I’ve been up to but failed to commit to ‘paper’ - a highlight reel of sorts and a year in review.
I’m part of the in crowd.
I turned fifty-one and to celebrate, my daughter and I ate out at my restaurant – it was SUCH a pleasure to be eating there but as part of it all, to know the people looking after us (and my, did they look after us), and the people making our food. I never felt fully comfortable when I worked there, never 100% sure where I could walk and what I could do when on the floor or in the kitchen, who I could disturb and when. But on this night, I felt part of the club and understood that I was appreciated (more or less).
Learning a new skill.
I learnt how to make shoes thanks to an online course with I Can Make Shoes, and designed and made my first pair. I mean, they look VERY homemade (aka crap) and also don’t fit that well – issues with the design I think – but, I bloody love them. I mean, c’mon… I made an actual pair of shoes!! I also bought a load of leather in various colours so, unless I plan to make a patchwork sofa, I need to get making some more!
A surprising route to personal body positivity.
I went on FOUR holidays!! No really. One I’ve written about and three are still in the works. All were magical, which is all I ask for really! Pah ha. On one of the holidays I pranced around in the nude quite a lot, took some boudoir-esq photos of myself, and realised that I’m smokin’ hot! Well, I thought so, at least. Until, that was, I put my clothes back on and hit the streets of a steaming hot Paris. Then, I remembered that a fat woman with clothes that ruche up and don’t fit well because, well, brands don’t really try, I don’t think, to make clothes that fit larger bodies well, is not really the epitome of SMOKIN’ HAWTTT!!
In which I got put off men.
Speaking of smokin’ hot… I entered into the ill-judged dalliance with a much younger man that, I have to admit, did boost my confidence. Or my ego, at least. I realised that maybe I won’t be alone forever and maybe someone will find me attractive enough to want to get to know me and, having got to know me, maybe they’ll want to, you know, be in a relationship with me. Which, sadly, brings me to the other thing the ill-judged dalliance with a much younger man gave me… a reminder that I’m going to be alone forever because frankly, eurgh… who can be bothered with all that…nonsense. There’s a reason I’m single and it isn’t because I’m undateable!
A sad end to an incredible experience.
I left the dream job. I’d have liked to have stayed but, it wasn’t working. I gave it a year. I still feel sad about that but, I think I’m more Neighbourhood Restaurant than Michelin Star. I can’t believe I had that opportunity and I’ll treasure it always. Honestly, it was such a joy to stand at the pass and watch the chefs all working away and to be able to ask them a million questions. I’m not sure they enjoyed it quite as much (and by that, I mean, I know that they didn’t coz they told me!) as I did. I still keep my eye out for opportunities – maybe something will come up for the VA business (haven’t come to that yet). I’d love to work on something pre-opening or, with a chef who has just opened somewhere. I’m crossing my fingers but, if you know anyone who needs help on the business and admin side…lemme know.
Going back to my fashion roots.
I’m sometimes a blank canvas for my beautiful friend Neusa, who is a shit-hot make-up artist, to practice looks on. She was doing the make-up for the Sabirah by Deborah LaTouche show as part of London fashion week and had been given a brief by Deborah and wanted to test out a few ideas. So I went over to Neusa’s to lend my face (not, I might add, that my face looks anything like a model’s being as it is significantly plumper, and older, than your average catwalker). Neusa said I should come along to the show and so, a couple of weeks later, I found myself walking into Somerset House to attend the show. I can’t tell you how excited I was to be there, I haven’t been to a show for YEARS, and before that… its was YEARS again. And when I did used to go to shows, when I was still at school and then at fashion college, I was always behind the scenes anyway, working as a dresser. And the clothes are STUNNING, seriously beautiful, elegant, and effortlessly cool. They’re “Modest Luxury” – that doesn’t mean they’re only a bit luxurious, no no, they’re full-on luxury but they’re modest pieces, they’re not revealing – which feels like a breath of fresh air, tbh.
Table scaping in a Regent Street shop – ooo la la.
My darling MF (Mimi Thorisson) was in London to promote her new tableware line for Anthropology, and I went along to a table scaping event she did in the Regent Street branch. I planned to happily lurk in the background, being quietly insulted by her husband (don’t worry, it’s just our way – I give back almost as good as I get. Oddur is incredibly quick, a raconteur, and I love trying to spar with him) but Mimi had other plans and called on me to help arrange the table!! Eeeekarama.
The maddest most brilliant opera.
I went to the opera again with B. Gotta say, I’m incredibly lucky to have friends who get me out of the house and doing fun things. We saw an absolutely brilliant production of “Iolanthe” at The English National Opera. It was sort of mad cap blended with surrealism and I thoroughly recommend it. I did mean to write about it when it was still on so that you might actually be able to go but, life got in the way. If they bring it back, go!
Finally seeing the Kusama Mirror Rooms.
After attempt after attempt to get a ticket and joining queue after queue only to miss the email saying I could now buy a ticket… I finally managed to see the Yayoi Kusama Infinity Mirror Rooms at the Tate Modern and they didn’t disappoint. They were stunning. It looks as though tickets are still available, if you’ve not been I’d suggest that you do. I need to do more exhibitioning and gallerying next year – it’s good for my soul.
Working 9 to 5 is no longer enough.
I decided that I need to be my own boss or, at the very least I need a back-up plan. Obviously I had all the usual ideas, you know, setting up a magazine, having a shoe brand, owning a hotel, all those very attainable ways of making money – har har har. And then I settled on becoming a Virtual Assistant, using the skills and experience I already have to build something real that will work and will provide me with security, and hopefully some freedom too. I deep dived into the world of VA, via a course (bien sur) and membership c/o VACT. Part of the deep dive saw me heading off to the annual VA conference in Bournemouth (got to go back there, it's lovely!) before I’d even got started. Classic. But while I was there, I got a call from someone who turned out to be my first client! Woop woop.
Unfortunately, or fortunately (depending who you’re talking to), I got a job around the same time as starting out as a VA and I’ve had to prioritise settling into that. Some might say that I’ve finally started to grow up. I suspect that some might be wrong. I’m still very much looking to take on clients but what I can do for them has changed slightly now – that’s on the menu for tomorrow, planning out my first quarter of 2024, and maybe having that date I’m obvs not having tonight.
I love a good wedding I do.
A couple of friends got married, they took over a stunning house in Wales for a week where they had a midweek ceremony for family and friends, and a Saturday Big Bash for friends and family. I was helping out on the Saturday, overseeing the catering and the staff – much of the food had been made and it was (mostly) a case of putting things together. Having said that, it was a hell of a lot of work, and I may be revising my stance on DIY weddings! It was much more work than I’d realised, probably because…I’m just idiotic when it comes to stuff like that and have no sense of anything being too much. More is more is more I say. Which… is kind of the ethos of one of the couple! Ahem. It was absolutely beautiful, a real DIY wedding, which I (do still) think can’t be beat – so full of friendship and love and creativity. I watched one of the grooms building a floral installation along the staircase and I felt as though my soul was being fed. I came away from the week feeling knackered and thoroughly nourished.
It was REALLY hard going back to the desk job after that.
I realised this year that I’m meant to be being creative. There are little signs of it almost from day one (exaggeration, of course). And, I think I may be supposed to be an entrepreneur, as opposed to the failed entrepreneur I thought I was. Watch this space!
The sweetest man in showbusiness.
I went to a few gigs, stand out among them being Pulp (thank you Fong) and Friendly Fires (thank you Edd – aka the sweetest man in showbusiness, certainly the most joyful). I missed out on Blur because I had an interview the next day (didn’t get that job and wished I’d gone to Blur, will remember that for next time).
Susie’s Kitchen Suppers.
My daughter and a few of her friends asked me to host their annual Christmas lunch and brought Susie’s Kitchen Suppers out of retirement. Horatio went on strike (he did take pity on me in the end and helped quite a lot. Thank you Horatio). I had such fun thinking about the menu (nothing too heavy as they were off to a gig afterwards) and nothing too OTT because, well, just because my daughter knows me too well. I bought cool crackers, and decorated the table with clementines and bay and made a mahoosive clementine pavlova. The candles were lit, obviously, and I crammed them all into my sitting room.
I had a bit of a moment when I welled up and felt rather emo. It was just so touching to see them all together in this house where they’ve all spent countless hours over the years. They’re all grown up now – proper adults. But I could so clearly see the children they used to be. It felt like such a privilege to be gathering them round my table.
Committing to ongoing self-reflection and exploration.
And, a very big one… I started therapy this year. Whenever I’ve had any sort of counselling in the past I always stop around the sixth session, realising that “I’ve got this, I’m strong, I can work it out by myself.” But my body begs to differ. And to be honest, so too do my emotions and my brain aka my mental health. I’m thinking I’ll do it for a year or so (gosh, that’s a long time) and reevaluate then. I’m already finding it useful, even if only because for 50 minutes a week I get to (very expensively) rant and moan to someone who has no connection to anything I’m saying. But it’s more than that, I feel like I’m starting on a journey to make sense of myself a bit and I’m remembering who I am. It feels good.
Anyway, tra la la. It’s been a year.
Plans plans plans.
I ended the year making plans to start a podcast! Yes really. “What’s it about?” I hear you all shout – “absofunkinloutely no idea!” I reply. We start recording next week!
Sigh, so much left out – of course there was much else besides but, it’s 9.30pm on New Year’s Eve, otherwise known as Old Saint’s Day, and I’m WAY behind. I still need to make supper, get dressed up, have an existential crisis about whether to go to the pub (where they’ve got a great line-up of DJs) or not etc etc. So I best sign off here.
Just to say, I wish you a beautiful year ahead. This year has been tough. Granted, I have not been directly affected by war or the ravages of Climate Change, but I’ve struggled to see just how much of it there has been. Neither have I had any personal losses this year, my health hasn’t been great, but I’ve been loved. I’ve seen more of my family and I’m really making an effort to see more of my friends. I struggle with that, but it is good for me. Look after your mental health guys (and your physical too obvs) – a new year is just around the corner (or not, depending on when you read this).
Thank you so much to each and every one of you that have read my ramblings. Thank you especially to those of you who have subscribed or who have shared a post. Thanks additionally especially to those brilliant people who have parted with actual money to support my writing – I’m so incredibly grateful – and a bit flabbergasted.
Fair warning, the next post may include images from the aforementioned sort of boudoir holiday snaps so, look away if you’re sensitively minded.
Do you have any end of year/beginning of year routines? I love NYE, I love going out an partying but it’s not for everyone, I know. Are you a fan, or do you think it’s all a load of nonsense and capitalist manipulation? Or an excuse to don some sparkle and tra la la?
Love to all.
Susie
Loved reading that. Wishing you all the best for 2024!
Bar Steen x
Thank you for an inspiring, honest and openhearted reflection to take us into 2024. As Joni says, something's lost but something's gained from living every day. You definitely celebrate what's gained - thank you xxxxxx