Oh dear readers,
How in the hello ARE you? I mean seriously? I’ve been… absent. I had so much to write about, I had a month of being very ‘London’ and I was excited to tell you all about it, since this is the diary of not just any middle-aged person, but a middle-aged Londoner. I’m talking fashion shows, table scaping with the glorious Mimi Thorrisson, an incredible opera I wanted to tell you about so you could go too. Erm. Loads of other stuff, I seem to have forgotten now. Oops.*
But then there was the attack by Hamas in Israel, and the knowledge that this was going to be bad! And for the avoidance of doubt, yes, I think the killing of innocent people in Israel by Hamas is bad, horrendous of course. So, to be clear, things were already bad. It’s just that, well, you could see what was going to come next, couldn’t you. I felt, that continuing to post all tra la la like… well, I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. And to talk about what was going on - no way! I didn’t know enough - the online world seemed very dangerous (it actually often does to me), it felt like there were traps everywhere.
I felt so much pressure to come out with a stance - which would have been against the killing of innocent people (had I done it), regardless of where they were from or where they lived. But I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t want to upset people - I saw posts from a couple of friends saying that people should check in with their Jewish friends because they weren’t okay - it started to feel as though any mention of support for the Palestinian people would be met with cries of antisemitism and I thought “am I? Am I an antisemite!?”. I didn’t think that I was but, isn’t that what every minority or abused peoples say - that if they say it’s so (eg racism, transphobia, sexism) then it’s so. I wasn’t conflating the State of Israel with Jewish but, as I understand it (and I could be wrong), Zionists do and therefore, in their eyes, anything said against the State – or the behaviour of the State - is tantamount to being anti-Jewish.
And, as Jews are not the only Semites, Palestinians are too, how has the word antisemite come to have the definition of discriminating against Jews? I have actually read up about this, and I know it’s complicated and we’re wandering into academics and the realms of semantics here – I’m just giving you an in to the workings of my brain over recent weeks, the rabbit holes I’ve been down, and why I’ve not had that much capacity for sitting down and writing newsletters/blog posts.
And on the flip side of all of that - and certainly in my social media bubbles, the demanding for people to speak out against what is happening in Palestine was like an accusatory roar. And in my head I thought yes, I AM learning more through things that are being shared, it IS prompting me to wake-up and become more knowledgeable and if everyone were like me (a bit of a coward, in my eyes) we wouldn’t have woken up in the numbers that we have to what is going on over there.**
And then, what about all the other conflicts, the wars, the terror attacks, the genocides? Why am I not in turmoil over them? Why don’t I even know about them? Why aren’t we all out marching the streets for them? Every day, I’ve gone round and round in my head, I’ve spoken in therapy about my reaction to the conflict*** (well, it IS my therapy - it IS supposed to be all about me), and I’ve muted myself. I’ve gone to ground. I’ve self-censored.
But I actually think talking to people is a great way of learning, and that we need to talk to people who are different to us, who we don’t agree with, who we don’t understand. In today’s polarizing world, this feels really important but social media doesn’t feel like a safe space, or the place, to do that. But when you do do this you often realise how much you have in common, that fundamentally we’re all just trying to survive, to look after and provide for our loved ones - our children and families, to be healthy, and maybe even, to be happy. And you connect through, I dunno, football, watching Strictly Come Dancing, through music, food… whatever. But for me, this topic, is one I would normally choose very carefully the people I talk to about it, for knowing that I don’t know enough to enter modern ‘conversations’ and for feeling that this area is incendiary.
But (back to social media and share, share, sharing), there are a few people I love to follow who bring me such joy. And they have, mostly, continued to share their glorious selves - and that has helped me. So I’m coming back. I don’t promise to be ultra consistent. Joyful and sparkly as I can be, I do have times when I find life quite challenging and exhausting. But, for the moment, the plan is to be here a bit more. To write about tra la la and other stuff. I’m even plotting a few recipes to share and something else that will just be for fun and harks back to my time on the student paper in middle school in Doncaster! (Aaaaaghhh… it was written in the stars then, that I’d find myself on a Saturday night in November tapping away at the keyboard eh?).
But really, all this to say. Hello. How are you?
If you’ve been struggling with everything that’s going on (and I truly understand that I speak from a place of incredible privilege) I’m sending you love and a giant hug. And probably none of you is but, if you are like me and your mind has been reeling and you’ve felt completely frozen and like, it’s wrong to be having fun (and talking about it), know that it isn’t. We do not help anyone by putting our lives on pause and actually, by living well (and talking about it) we might help/encourage other people to do the same – that’s always what I’m aiming for. It’s funny because I was brought up in a “there are starving kids in Africa” household and I ALWAYS thought that was a nonsense – my finishing my food, or not, made absolutely no difference to those starving children. And I’ve always said to people who are going through something and say “it’s so silly of me, there are others far worse off than I am” that yes, that’s true, but that doesn’t negate their finding whatever they’re going through tough. Both can be true.
Anyway. Does any of this makes sense?
With love, kisses, and hugs from me self-care Sunday-ing - taking the opportunity to wrap up in lots of blankets and have my tea and porridge in the garden.
I think the saying is XOXO (or something like that).
Susie
*TBH, I’ll probably still write about them at some point coz they were all fun!
**I’m always wary of sharing stuff willy-nilly, and especially so now I’ve listened to a couple of incredible podcasts on AI and how one of the things that’s going to happen is we’re going to find it harder and harder to be able to fact check and to be sure of the source.
**Even as I type this - I’m not sure, is conflict the right word? Am I alienating people I wouldn’t want to alienate? Am I being offensive? Who the hell am I to have an opinion anyway? And oh just shut up, boo hoo…poor you, not able to post on social media while thousands (hundreds of thousands plus if you take in all the conflicts) are displaced, kidnapped, living in terror, dying and dead.