Dear Diary - Am I having a midlife crisis?

Or, why am I feeling so lost and demotivated - answers on a postcard please.

Dear Diary,

Wow. Well.

It’s been a hot minute, hasn’t it? Blimeski.

I think it’s time for some real real talk (essentially, the same as real talk) …I’m feeling lost at the moment. I don’t know if it’s my age, I mean…is it menopause related? Or is it my still as yet undiagnosed ADHD and this brilliantly scattered mind of mine, or is it grief? Or am I basically just really lazy and unfocused, and do I just lack discipline? Or is it the weather? A full moon? I wonder if anyone of you are feeling like this? Judging by the mahoosive Facebook group of middle-aged Women, I’m definitely not alone.

Or, is this a mid-life crisis?

I’ve been merrily maintaining that mid-life crises are misunderstood and they’re good really, they’re merely a person realising that they’re wasting their lives on all this stuff that isn’t important, that somewhere along the road they took a wrong turn and lost their way, and in the process themselves. And the mid-life crisis is just reminding them of who they fundamentally are, and nudging them to start embracing that truer version of themselves. And in the process (presumably) they would become a happier and more satisfied person non? But, if this is” mid-life crisis,” I want no part of it.

Close-up of “Woman in her thirties” a nude self-portrait from memory

The above is a close-up of a not very realistic self-portrait I did about 20 years ago after seeing a Frida Khalo exhibition. Seems as though I’ve been mid midlife crisis for a while then. My poor kids, whenever they would have friends they’d quietly go and turn the canvas round so their friends weren’t confronted by a life-size nude of their mum with tube trains and pound signs for pupils. I keep thinking I’ll paint over it but, it makes me laugh - I love it.

I haven’t been able to feel my fingertips since January.

Then of course, there’s the physical difficulty. For all my singing out loud about the transformation having a laptop would bring, I hadn’t accounted for, y’know, not being able to sit at a computer (laptop or otherwise) for any length of time, nor at a journal at the kitchen table, for fear that my back will revolt. And for the avoidance of doubt…it will. And then add to that that I haven’t been able to feel my fingertips since January…for someone who touch types this is an issue. I keep making mistakes, namely, I keep missing out letters, I think I’ve pressed the keypad and then it turns out that the letter is missing, I just can’t tell. It’s a really odd sensation. I’m finally seeing a neurologist this week. And while all of this may just be an excuse (okay, okay, almost certainly is) one surely can’t deny that this is not a cocktail made for any kind of significant output?

I’m not sure if it was clear from my last post (Part 1), I know I mention it but I’m not explicit about it, that as well as Louisa dying, my mother has died. She died five weeks to the day before Louisa or, three months ago this week. I’m trying my best to get on with life and get better and to get myself out there but I’m not doing a particularly good job of it (though, my camera roll tells me otherwise). I just, I feel indescribably sad. Not all the time, no no, but enough of it to be having an impact. I’m sure I’ll write about my mother at some point but not now. All this to say that yeh, it’s not all fun and games even though that’s all I want it to be. My therapist says I’m basically a child, I never quite fully grew up. It sort of sounds bad when you put it in writing but at the time it tickled me. Incredible really, my life is being ruled by seven-year-old me and madly fluctuating hormone midlife crisis me and I can’t say (sorry me) they’re doing that good a job.

The small step every over-thinker needs to know about.

I started listening to a Mel Robbins book I bought a while back and in it she does coaching sessions with people who have clearly been chosen because they have universal issues. The first one had me nodding away so much I feared my head might come off. It was this guy who overthinks EVERYTHING. He goes from idea to world domination (my exaggeration) in his head in 60 seconds. As I listened to him it felt like we were blinkin’ twins! One of the things that Mel Robbins says is that you can’t work out what to do with your life by thinking, you have to do – rather than focusing on these massive goals (hello owning not just a restaurant but also a hotel and oh, while we’re at it a magazine, a clothing line AND a shoe brand, and that’s not even touching on the things I actually am planning to do) just concentrate on the next brick. I’ve heard this before but somehow this got through to me, maybe because when she talks about bricks, she’s talking about Lego bricks! FFS. But seriously, putting one foot in front of the other or, not even that, just moving the damn feet and continuing to move, that, apparently, is the key for us overthinkers. So I dutifully dialled it all back and went and made the changes to my A middle-aged Londoner Instagram page that were suggested in lesson one of yet another course I’ve bought (this one is different though, this one I’m doing!). No really, I am. Tee he. I made a tiny change, and then another, and another. My brain wanted to queue up 10 steps, but I wouldn’t let it. And you know what? It felt good. Robbins says that in this way, you may start out headed for Goal A but end up at some other ‘goal’ the one that’s actually suited to you. So, that’s what I’m doing. Taking tiny little steps every day and seeing where that takes me.

My new and becoming improved Instagram profile

I could do with your help though please, I need to add a few words after my name that basically are GREAT SEO words, aka they’re the kind of thing my Ideal Client would search for (I realise you don’t know who my Ideal Client is, nor, in fact what they’re a client of, but if I tell you that what I really want to say is something like midlife lifestyle (yuk) you get the picture right?) Any suggestions? “Staying visible in midlife” “tearing up the midlife rulebook”, I dunno…” Help!”

Doesn’t anyone want a 52 year old work experience kid these days?

I’ve been trying to give myself away, I’ve offered to do work experience at a local school (as a classroom assistant or in the kitchen…I mean, c’mon), at a brilliant retail business that’s disrupting the High Street, at a local independent boutique that sells homewares, and at a tiny business that makes candles. It seems nobody wants me BUT, the candle company (whose studio just isn’t big enough for any more people) did invite me in for coffee and a chat so the other day, I took myself off for a visit.

Susie with the founders of Nata Concept Store

Nata Concept Store is the brilliant idea of friends Anna and Tatiana who make food inspired candles – think an assortment of pasta, enough cheeses for a pretty good cheeseboard, some lovely butter…that kind of thing. Their standout piece though, in my opinion, is a larger-than-life pimento stuffed green olive that just makes me smile in its silliness. The candles are all quite playful and are all handmade, every single one of them! And somewhere out there, there’s a farfalle cheering up someone’s dining table that was unmoulded by me. When they asked me if I wanted to have a go doing one I, of course, jumped at the chance.

Not sure which one but, one of those is mine. Wish I had smell-o-vision for you

I made madeleines in the morning and took a plate of them over for our coffee date and they, in turn, allowed me to choose a couple of candles as a gift which I’ve been enjoying burning over the last few days.

It’s not Christmas until I’ve made a wreath. Oh…

I’ve just come back from my annual attending a Christmas Wreath making workshop and this time I was back to my OG "Urban Flower Company” in Crouch End. I love going there, they put on some tunes, crack open the fizz, and let us loose on their selection of painted foliage. I’m normally really critical of what I produce but I’m trying to behave like less of a perfectionist so, let’s just say…” I love it!.” Pah ha.

My annual Christmas Wreath boxed up and ready to take home

Oh yeh, I spent most of my day yesterday making little boxes to make The Most Expensive (no, seriously) chocolate Advent Calendar for my son (why didn’t I just buy one, for goodnessake!?) Still, I really enjoyed doing it. I’m getting back in touch with making things – I used always to be making one thing or another and somehow, I’d lost that. As part of my ‘rehabilitation’ I’m trying to find things that are fun and that bring me joy without depleting me of energy or requiring too much of my body – handmade cardboard boxes it is then. Go figure.

A promise. Or, maybe let’s call it an intention.

Anyway poppets, that’s me for now. I’ll be back in your inboxes next weekend (eek, yes, you read that correctly. I’m making a bid for consistency, urgh).

Do check out my “Christmas Present Guide” series over on Insta and let me know what you’d recommend. I’m aiming to give presents from small businesses or that are second-hand or, that I have made. But I’d love to hear what you would recommend if you were doing a guide.

Have any of you got your decorations up already?