How Susie got her Sparkle back
Or, actually being who I want to be
Holy guacamole. It’s been a week - and by week I mean, good few weeks, or even months. Hell, while I’m at it, let’s call it what it is…years.
Finally - a laptop, the answer to, well, everything.
I’m writing this from my sofa. I finally own a laptop which means that when my back isn’t up to sitting up at the desk and doing more computer work (the day job sees me doing enough of that, particularly this current one - I’ve seriously never had a job that requires you to just sit on your arse and stare at a computer more than this one!) I can now slouch on the sofa and still write, which I enjoy and do want to do more of (writing, that is).
The thing is, the back has revolted - it started in January, a flare of my chronic condition or a result of aforementioned being stuck to a seat for 100 hours a day in front of a computer? I don’t know. I had to call in family to help me with the last bits of prep before my Environmental Health Inspection for my supper club (more on that in another post). I’ve tried stretching, breathing, meditating, good old pain killers, pacing myself until I basically don’t have a life outside of work and elderly parents. I’ve tried alternative treatments, massage, managing my stress, therapy, moving, staying still, and still, I find myself now on flare up number three (or, maybe four, three ran straight into four). This flare has been going on for three weeks now and has seen me sent up to hospital (false alarm except, maybe not), and now, signed off work. It’s also seen me become incontinent, which is fun. I’m embracing co-codamol, which I’ve never previously been able to take but clearly, the situation has never been dire enough to warrant the ill-effects before. I’m rotating ice-packs and hot water bottles, I’ve taken diazepam (vallium) for the first time AND, I can report that I’ve progressed from sitting up on the sofa to sleep to lying down in bed. Not last night though, last night I was back to sitting on the sofa. Grrrr. But also, hoorah. Things are looking SIGNIFICANTLY better.
On listening to your body
Just before flare three and a half/four, at therapy, Julie (not her real name) said to me that my body was clearly trying desperately to tell me something.
“What though!?” I implored?
Smiling, Julie replied “Why don’t you ask it?”
“Body. I’m listening. What are you trying to tell me?”
“Well?”
“I don’t know. I don’t speak body” my sarky inner child replied.
“I think you do know. You’ve said from the beginning that you don’t enjoy what you’re doing…”
We have a similar conversation, about what my body wants, or, what it is I really want, what would make my body feel better, quite regularly. The session before, I’d said what I really wanted to do was just lie on a floor somewhere for about two weeks and do nothing AT ALL (I mean, as I find it hard to stay still for even 30 minutes I’ve no idea why this particular fantasy seemed desirable - I would HATE it!).
Anyway, within a couple of hours of getting home my body started talking! And boy oh boy it did not stop. Even the slightest movement of my head would send my back into a spasm the intensity of which I can only compare to being in labour. I felt as though I was being electrocuted in my spine and my muscles were responding in the only way they knew how. Stuck halfway between sitting on my bed and lying down, I stuffed the corner of my duvet into my mouth (for fear of waking the neighbours) and screamed. At some point, I managed to get back to sitting, and, about an hour later I’d transferred myself downstairs, clamped an ice-pack to my back, and was emailing my boss with tears streaming down my face to say I doubted very much I’d be in to work in the morning. Hilarious now to think I planned to be there in the afternoon.
Luckily I had an appointment with my doctor booked for lunchtime for something else and he promptly signed me off work for a few weeks.
“I mean, what? Do people actually get signed off work, I mean, is it okay to stay off work… for a bad back!?”. Apparently so, according to Dr. Brilliant (real name, according to me).
So, long winded way of saying learn to listen to your bodies peeps. I’m in no doubt that mine amped everything up because I was being a facetious idiot. I’ve got the message loud and clear now bod, thank you. Noted.
Is this who I wanted to grow up to be?
And all this has got me thinking, I’m SO far away from the things I dreamt about as a child, and a teenager, and even a young adult. Somewhere along the line I lost belief in myself, even though I’m a doer and I love to try things, I’ve kept myself small, very very firmly in my (dis)comfort zone. I’d already started to think about this and I’ve probably already banged on about it on here but, I’m realising I never dreamt about sitting at a desk all day (who does? Maybe somebody). I always wanted to do something a bit physical, something social, something creative, something with my hands (not typing - though I did actually want to be a supermarket cashier for a while, back when you used to have to use a cash register). I always wanted to be BRILLIANT. But I’ve made so many choices that have dulled me down - can anyone else relate?
What’s so good about a midlife crisis anyway?
I’ll tell you.
People talk about “midlife crisis” as though it’s something bad - I mean, just look at what we call it! But I’ve decided that it’s a great thing. It’s when you finally stop trying to pretend to be an adult or, really (because being an adult comes to all but the most unlucky) it’s when you finally realise that being an adult doesn’t mean you have to give up everything you are, in your core, everything you love and that brings you joy. I think it’s when you stop worrying so much about what everyone else thinks and start asking yourself what you really want. It’s when you start remembering who you were before the expectations that weren’t necessarily your own (though often you thought they were) started to dim you and weigh you down.
For me, recently, it’s been wearing a plastic chick ring that was clearly made for a child, on my rather substantial little finger. I wore it round the house, it made my heart sing. I wore it out for a coffee, it made me giggle. I felt great. “yeh, I’m wearing a massive yellow plastic chick on my finger, and?”. I’m aiming for more moments like these - wearing things that I wouldn’t normally, doing things I wouldn’t normally - pursuing fun, and silliness. It feels like what I need.
Is it time to start dating again?
I called this “How Susie got her Sparkle back” but really it should be “How is Susie going to get her Sparkle back?” But that’s not quite so catchy and also, strays too far away from the title I had in mind (in case you hadn’t clocked - “How Stella Got her Groove Back”). It’s funny, films keep popping into my head “Shirley Valentine”, “Eat, Pray, Love” etc. that are making me think perhaps I’m due a little romance…. hmmm. Interesting.
Are any of you going through your own midlife (irrespective of your age) crisis? Tell me, what have you been up to? What have you been doing to honour this shift in energy/feeling?
I’ve just started a course (yes, another - and?) and I’m super excited about who I’m going to become in order to complete it. If things go well, and they will, life is going to look quite different in the next year or so. Think… more holidays, more tra la la-ing (and who doesn’t love a good tra la la), less sitting at a desk, more variety, more passion, more art, way more cooking, more fun, more relaxation, more… joie de vivre (there, I said it). It starts to sound dangerously like a dream life - and why the hell not.
An action plan of sorts
To start with, I’m getting healthy - I’m nourishing my body and I’m caring for it and I’m damn well listening to it. I’m hiring a declutterer (choosing my battles, and sorting out the bombsite of a house I live in is not one I personally have the energy to do - see failed previous attempt number seven hundred and eighty eight), getting a cleaner (as with the declutterer)*, making sure I do something creative every week - just for the fun of it, wearing things I wouldn’t usually, pushing myself outside my comfort zone, getting uncomfortable (not in a bad back sort of way).
*Erm, generating the money to do the above has to come first ergo when I say to start with, maybe that’s really to middle with.
To really really start with, I’m trying to bring a little more joy into my every day - that can be something small, like lighting a candle or having a little kitchen dance, or something bigger, like meeting friends for dinner or going to the theatre. I’m curious, what things do you do to encourage the joy? Of course, one person’s delight is another’s nightmare but still, tell me…I’m all ears.
Tickling my fancy
Watching
I’ve not really been able to sit long enough to watch a film but my son has introduced me to the delights of YouTube (yes, of course I’ve known about watching things on YouTube for an age but it’s more the WHAT). It’s an absolute treasure trove of people putting serious amounts of work into helping other people find out how to do things. I, for example, really want to get into crochet but the fact is, I don’t like the finished fabric it makes. The ONLY thing I think it’s good for is blankets. Horatio (the son) took that as a challenge and found this top, which I love.
There’s so much time and effort that’s gone into not only working out how to make the top, but also to creating a tutorial for us. Love it. Thank you Remi!
And this one - their use of colour is fantastic.
Or, maybe you’re looking for a new sofa…why not make one, like this pair did? And seriously, the effort put into this video is off the scale.
Listening
I saved this song to share with you all and now it seems to be all over Instagram - doesn’t mean it’s not worth sharing - coz it is, it’s so…danceable!
And because of the above - Canon in D Major - Pachelbel (Sir Neville Marriner and Academy of St. Martin in the Fields)
And, lastly, coz it was all getting a bit soppy and sappy Caramel - Connan Mockasin definitely cannot call him soppy. Have you seen his videos!? They’re quite odd.
Eating
A whole lot of beautiful home-cooked food thanks to child number two mostly. But also child number one and ex number only (not technically a number but, I’ve only got one). But, once I’m out and about again, these are the place I want to check out - in no particular order:
Sourdough Sofia has opened a new bakery on Essex Road, this one is much bigger than their first branch, in Crouch End. This has indoor seating and looks like a beaut. I’m definitely going to go and support.
Bistro Freddie and The Devonshire - people are raving about both. Both are worth it, I reckon.
Morchella - might be hard with my dietary requirements but I still want to try.
Asking for a friend…or, a plea
This diary, and the website it grew out of, were meant to be about how fantastic it was to be a middle-aged Londoner. It was meant to be a bit inspiring and to provide me, and you, with ideas for things to do and places to go - in London, and further afield.
I’m aware that I’m sort of asking more than I’m giving with this piece but, help a gal out would you please? Let me know what you’re up to, where you’re going, what’s a ‘must do’ as far as you’re concerned. Or, who - who is interesting, who would be good to follow, to get to know? Who would it be good to interview - on here or on a podcast? - I’m thinking normal people here, who do you know who is doing something interesting. Or just yeh, anything, whatever, just talk to me… please! Mwah ha.
xoxo
OH! And something for your list: Portraits to Dream In at the National Portrait Gallery - I found it inspiring!
I really enjoy reading your posts and can totally relate! :)